When You're Gone
by tinkermama05
Summary: All I ever wanted was for you to know...I can hardly breathe without you here...Rated T for a little language. One-shot about Olivia's life without Elliot.


She glanced over her desk and looked at the empty chair across from her. She allowed a single tear to slip down her cheek, but quickly wiped it away.

"Olivia, come to my office," she heard. It was Cragen. He said it more sympathetically, without an angry tone, but it still made her wonder what she was in for.

She walked in a slow pace towards his office and without looking him in the eye, slid in the doorway as he held it open for her. He shut the door behind him as he put both his hands in his pockets and walked toward her.

"Liv, I want you to take some time off. You need to go home and rest. You look like you haven't slept in weeks."

She didn't respond. She was tired of everybody treating her like a porcelain doll. She thought that if she showed no weakness, people wouldn't treat her as if she was about to break. But frankly, she felt like she was about to splinter into a million pieces right here in his office.

Still, she put on a hero face. "I'm fine, Captain."

"No," he said, finally looking her straight in the eye. "You're not."

It was all he needed to say to her. She knew he was serious and there was no reason to fight him. If she didn't pack up her belongings and go now, he would drag her out.

"I'll take the rest of the day, plus Friday. I'm coming back Monday."

She stood up from the chair. As far as she was concerned, the conversation was over. She didn't want to waste all her personal time; besides, being home would be no help. If she was actually at work, there was something to do to pass the time. She could actually help people and be a productive member of society. As long as she was home, all she did was drown herself in a blanket and pretend to die.

She was inches away from the door, from escape. She thought she might actually make it before he spoke up again.

"Liv..." She looked at him and begged him not to say it with her eyes. "I'm here if you need me."

She couldn't help but push herself out of his door as fast as she possibly could. She had to run to the lockers to avoid showing Fin and Munch the tears she was now shedding.

In the lockers, she buried herself far into the corner where no one could see her and broke down. She'd never felt so helpless and useless in her life. She just couldn't believe how much of a baby she was being. Olivia had been a detective in the Special Victims Unit for 12, going on 13 years. She had seen people at possibly the worst moments of their lives. She had seen countless women ravaged by the trauma of rape. She had held children in her arms as their mothers and fathers lay dying. She had seen murderers walk free from a seemingly perfect crime. Hundreds and hundreds of cases had graced her desk; no statement that was ever written down on paper could ever have matched any of them in person. She had seen a lot of bodies. But none of them was as traumatizing to her as his.

She sat on the floor, clutching her suit jacket as if it could bring her comfort, crying. She could feel tears drip down past her lashes, making rivers in the wrinkles that had started to appear, until they traveled down past her nose and into the corner of her mouth. She cried so long and hard that she could eventually taste her own snot - it was digusting. She was disgusted at herself.

After about thirty minutes she finally controlled herself, only after yelling at herself for acting like this at her job. She gathered her stuff in anger, slamming the door on her locker like it would make things better. The crying, feeling like a black hole was going to suck her up, could at least wait until she got home, she convinced herself.

She wiped her final tears and hoped that her eyes weren't so red that she couldn't slip past everyone without them knowing what she had done for so long. Finally she decided that it would be best to not take chances, and slipped on a pair of sunglasses. She took a final, whimpering breath before she walked out the door.

The first thing she noticed was Fin standing with Munch at a dry erase board, writing down notes about suspects. The minute they heard the door open, their eyes turned to her. They knew; she was busted.

"I'm taking some time off, I'll see you guys on Monday." She decided to cut them off at the pass, before they spoke to her and made her situation worse. She quickly glanced at them, feeling protected by the dark shield of her sunglasses, before she walked clean out the door.

At the sidewalk, she hailed a cab. She knew she was in no condition to drive.

On the way home, she thought about nothing in particular. She tried to avoid the cab driver as much as she could, but she saw him stare at her in the rearview mirror. He was giving her accusatory looks, in her mind. She wondered what was going through his head. He looked nothing like your typical New York City cab driver - he looked educated, like he shouldn't be in a job like this. She wondered exactly _why_ he was in a job like this. Anything to keep her mind wandering around. She stared out the window the rest of the way home.

When the cab driver dropped her off at the doorstep to her apartment, she gathered her stuff and paid the man. He shot her a sympathetic look as she passed him the money. She avoided meeting eyes with him even with the sunglasses on. He said thank you to her and she said nothing back. It was just another way for her to avoid as much contact with the outside world as possible.

She walked into her apartment and threw her bag down on the floor. The first thing she saw was a pile of dishes in the sink that hadn't been done for weeks. They were all from before the accident; she hadn't eaten enough since then to even have any dishes in the sink.

She took off her suit jacket and laid it across a chair as she walked over to the sink. She felt totally lifeless, but she wanted a clean apartment at the very least.

Olivia cleared the sink and ran the water, making it scorching hot. It burned her soft skin as she dipped each plate and cup under the water and soap bubbles. It didn't affect her much because she felt so numb. When she pulled her hands out to grab another dish, her hands were as red as tomatoes, but she didn't feel it.

She finished one load and carefully sat each one in the drainer to dry. They were so clean that they sparkled when the kitchen light hit them; they were still wet so the light bounced off the droplets of water. She grabbed a clean dishtowel from her drawer to start drying each one. With every dish she picked up she caught a blurred reflection of herself; the picture they showed was awful. She had long since taken off her sunglasses, no longer needing to hide, so they allowed her to see her red-rimmed eyes. She wasn't sure whether the droplets near the corner of her eyes were tears or just spots on the dishes, so she scrubbed at them to make them go away. She was thankful that they disappeared. It meant that she wasn't tearing up, because she was tired of crying.

When the dishes were all done, she sat the dishtowel on the counter and sighed. At least she had a clean set of dishes, even though she wouldn't use them. She looked across the rest of her kitchen, analyzing the things she needed to do, but she just couldn't find the energy to do any of them. She walked over to her couch and sat down in a fetal-like position, and pulled the blanket up over her.

Her phone rang, but she didn't even flinch. After three rings the machine picked it up.

"Liv." It was Fin. He paused for a few seconds, maybe searching for what to say to her. "I was thinking maybe we should go out tonight. Maybe just grab a couple of drinks. Or we could stay in; I could grab a couple movies and we could come to my apartment and just sit. I know you don't feel like doing anything, but I thought it may be good for you."

He paused a few more seconds, waiting for her to pick up the phone and take him up on his offer.

He sighed. "Well if you change your mind, let me know. I'm here for you; you don't have to be alone in this. I just wanted to tell you that I love you. Bye."

It wasn't odd for Fin to tell Olivia that he loved her. In fact, she thought that maybe she was the only person he had ever really said that to. They were just friends and he was a single man right now. He wanted more from her, but she just wasn't prepared to give that to him. Maybe if it was a different time, or if she was a different person than she had become in the last four weeks, she would feel differently. At this moment in her life, she couldn't give any man what she had given Elliot.

The thought of his name, coupled with the show of emotion over Fin's simple 'I love you' finally broke the barriers holding back her tears. They felt hot on her cheeks; it was only then that she realized that her apartment was freezing cold. She cuddled up in the blanket and covered her face with part of it. She just sat there and cried.

It had been four weeks since the accident had happened. Three and a half since the funeral. And to her it felt like it had just happened yesterday. She kept hoping that he would knock on her door and pop in with take-out like he always had before. She knew it would take a long time for things to go back to normal, but she hadn't expected to go completely out of her mind in the process.

She remembered the night that it happened as clearly as ever. They were just about to catch a suspect in the rape and murder of an 11-year-old girl. They had followed him for weeks, eyeing his every move, but never could quite catch him. They didn't have enough evidence to charge him, arrest him, or even get a search warrant for his apartment. He was one crafty son-of-a-bitch. Five weeks after the body of the girl had been found, they weren't half as close to nailing him as the night that it happened.

Olivia and Elliot were working late when a call came in from dispatch. A lady was jogging in the park after work when a man had suddenly appeared. He had slammed the brakes on his car and pulled a young girl out of his backseat. The lady hid behind a bush and called 911 when she saw the girl was bound and gagged with tape. While on the phone, she heard screams and cries.

They had raced out of the precinct as quick as they could, in a rush to catch the guy. They knew it had to be their guy; it was exactly the same M.O., the exact place in the park where the previous victim had been found. They also knew that if they didn't get there in time that this girl would be dead as well, and the guy would get away from them, leaving no fingerprints, no DNA, and no reason for anyone to suspect it was him.

When they reached the park, it was totally quiet. They were alone; they had called for backup but they wouldn't arrive for another few minutes. Olivia had called Fin and Munch, but they were stuck in traffic on the bridge. The woman had been told to go to a safer place and the detectives would call on her for information and a statement later. They were all alone in that park.

They only had a matter of time before they knew he would finish his business and flee. The park was a public enough place that he would get spooked after a few minutes, especially if he knew that he had been spotted and the cops had been called. The only question was how much time they had, and neither of them wanted to take their chances. They wanted to find this girl alive because the better the condition they found her in, the better chances they had of putting this guy in prison. It truly was a now or never deal.

Elliot had felt it was better if they split up and try to track him down. Normally Olivia would agree, but this time she had a sneaking suspicion that they should stick together. She tried to argue with him but, with a ticking clock staring at him in the face, Elliot ignored her and ran off without her. Against her better judgement, she ran off the opposite way. It was only about a minute before she heard it.

It sounded like a shot. It was far enough away that it was muffled, but close enough to scare the hell out of her. She ran off in the direction that Elliot had gone. It only took her a couple of minutes to find him.

He was laying on the ground, bleeding into the grass. It didn't quite sink in to her how badly he was hurt. She looked around and surveyed the scene around her. The girl was laying on the ground in the opposite direction as Elliot, breathing but barely. She didn't see the perp anywhere.

Just then she noticed that Elliot was bleeding from his chest. She wasn't a doctor, and it was dark, but it looked like he'd been shot just inches away from his heart. He was barely moving.

The next few minutes swirled by her. She faintly remembered Fin and Munch pulling up. She was in shock, either not quite ready to face what happened or on total autopilot. She remembered barking orders at her two coworkers, demanding that Fin try to catch up to the perp and Munch stay with the girl until paramedics arrived. She sat down by Elliot to try to piece together what had happened.

She knew he was bleeding from his chest, and she knew he was bleeding a lot - her hands were covered in his blood - but she couldn't understand why. Surely the bullet couldn't have pierced through his vest.

Then the thought occured to her. Elliot never wore a vest at the precinct because there was no need to. He normally kept one in the car and in his locker, but the day before another member at the unit had forgotten his at the scene of a standoff, so Elliot had reached into the car and let him borrow his. She didn't remember him ever returning it. In the rush to get to this scene, Elliot had never gone to his locker to get a vest.

She still couldn't believe that Elliot would ever be so forgetful to take a vest with him, so she untucked the button-down shirt he was wearing and reached up under his shirt. All she felt was cool skin covered in blood.

The next moments were all a blur to her. She remembered screaming; the sound had pierced through the entire scene. She remembered pulling her hand up to her face, seeing it covered in Elliot's blood, and how badly she was shaking. She remembered that just then the paramedics pulled up and took over with the victim. Munch had walked over to her. All she remembered from then on was him pulling her away; she fought him like bloody murder, knowing that she needed to stay with Elliot. She didn't even remember the paramedics working on him, but she did remember fighting John so hard that he eventually let her go. She ran back to Elliot and talked to him for a little while, although she didn't remember what she said to him at all.

The only thing she could remember - so vividly that she could paint an exact picture of it - were his last words to her.

He found the strength to reach up and grab her hand. He had pulled her down so close to him that she could feel his last breaths on her lips. He brought her ear down to his mouth.

I love you Olivia, is what he said.

The last thing she did was look into his eyes. He died as she burst into tears.

She didn't even get the chance to tell him, before he took his last breath, that she loved him too.

She didn't know how she had gotten here today. She didn't remember being at the hospital, or back at the precinct to answer questions or fill out paperwork. She barely even remembered being at the funeral. She could remember how Kathy had stared at her while they were there. Kathy had always felt that Olivia had gotten the better half of her husband, and somehow Olivia didn't think that even such a thing as losing her husband in the line of duty could change how she felt about Olivia deep down inside. That somehow, in tragedy even, Kathy could even be as big of a bitch to be jealous that Olivia had gotten to hear the final words that came out of Elliot's mouth; words that were supposed to be meant for her.

Out of respect, neither of the two women said anything to each other at the funeral, not even a simple 'I'm sorry for your loss'. Kathy clung to her children as each of them cried for their father. Olivia attached herself to Fin as she mourned for her partner. They avoided each other like they pretty much always had; Kathy knowing that her now-deceased husband had always had feelings beyond that of friendship or loyalty for Olivia, and Olivia knowing that beyond whatever feelings for her he held deep inside that he would always stay with Kathy for his kids.

And now, Olivia was here. In her apartment, crying as she relived these memories.

She cried for hours upon hours. She cried until the sun started to set and dusk started to surround the city. She walked out on her balcony and cried as she watched the city grow darker, spilling her grief onto the beautiful colors of the horizon like a cheap therapist.

Finally she got tired of crying and picked up the phone.

"Fin?...Yeah, it's Liv...Yeah, I know. I got your message...Are you still up for those drinks?"


End file.
